Late night thoughts on the journey we call mothering

I'm here at Phoebe's with access only to her photos - but it's the thought that counts!

When I was a little girl, I played with dolls all the time. I didn't have the latest dolls or accessories, but I dreamed of having them. I look at the variety and availability of doll gear today and wonder how I would have reacted to having such splendor!!

But we made do. I was third oldest of 12, so there was lots of real baby gear around for us to modify. We set up households and played in them.

I also tended younger siblings. I remember standing by my youngest brother's crib and rocking it gently so he'd go to sleep. That was often my assignment. And I babysat lots and lots.

I thought I knew what mothering meant and what it entails. When I had my first child, my mother kept saying, "Why do you seem so amazed by all this? You grew up with babies all around you?"

I did "catch on" eventually. And I got the external part of it wired. But I'm still having "ah ha" moments when I watch other women, mostly the young women I see in my daily life, doing or saying things that I wish I'd done or said with my children.

We went to visit Phoebe's new little boy tonight - he was born this afternoon, and I'm here with her other children for the next two weeks. And as I sat and held this sweet little person, I was thinking about my own children. I'm not sure I "cherished" their babyhood. I think I thought often about "moving along" and getting to a point where life was more organized and predictable.

With my last child though, I determined to enjoy his infancy. My husband would laugh when he'd hear me telling someone that I couldn't do something or help with something because I had a new baby. He'd say, "Noah is 9 months old Barbara." And I'd say, "He's the last baby I'll ever have. He's still new."

I sat and held him and read stories to him and took him for walks and played with him. I really focused on him as a baby. And he was a good baby. He loved to sit quietly in your lap and be read to. He loved to go with you.

The great irony here is that Noah is our wayward boy. Noah is sweet, loving, kind, and out of the loop with the rest of the family. He not only marches to the beat of his own drum, none of us are sure just what that drum beat is. And he's not making very good choices along the way.

I thought I'd erred by not giving my other children enough time. So, I gave the last one lots more time.

I guess it doesn't have everything to do with what you do as a mother. I guess it has more to do with who your children are.

I know all this. I've gone over and over it in my head, with my husband, with my other kids, with my friends.

When I see a sweet new baby though, it all comes back to me - and seems even more poignant.

Just some thoughts. I shouldn't be left alone so much!!