Last Saturday, I took Ara, Esme and Annika to the funeral service for their good friend Anne Andrus. We were privileged to know her too, and so I was thankful to be able to attend her service.
It is difficult to describe a funeral service without sounding cliched. This one was lovely, sad, heartwarming, joyful, inspiring - but I also found it very instructive.
For one thing, since I didn't know her really well, it was instructive to hear about her life. To find out the path she had followed that had led her to the place where she was. To learn about her passion for life, learning and the lives of others. Her husband delivered a moving eulogy. I was impressed that he could do so in such a clear-eyed manner. You could tell that he wanted to do this one last service for her - and do it well. And he did.
It was also instructive to hear from her children. Two of her sons spoke. They are 19 and 17 I believe. They each chose to focus on two characteristics of their mother - the one boy said devotion and curiosity were the qualities that defined his mother for him. The other son said that dedication and compassion were the qualities he noted as being essential to his mother's life.
The older son is studying at Oxford - but he had taken a year off to be at home. He said that he had always felt that the study of history defined him. But as his mother's illness progressed, he wanted no more of history - he wanted to live in the present. He said that now, his focus as he studies history will be to find out the effect of the events of history - not just the study of the events. He wants to know how the event that was his mother's life will impact his life.
The younger son, in speaking on the devotion and curiosity of his mother, said that as a "fledgling teen" he now looks for those qualities in the people he has relationships with. These are the qualities that matter most to him now.
Her sister and two of her sisters-in-law spoke next. They related incidents that clarified my understanding of just who Anne was and very specifically how she related to others. The one sister-in-law, Kat, was just 15 when she first met Anne. Kat suggested a game of volleyball. Kat was an athlete - Anne was a dancer. But Anne gamely played her best at game with which she had little experience. Kat said, "I knew then that Anne loved me - that she wanted me to be happy - that she would do anything for me." These three women had all been "nannies" to Anne's children. Anne had always said that when her kids were bigger, she would "nanny" her nieces and nephews in return. They were all saddened at the idea that this would not be occurring. One nephew apparently said, "It's just going to be boring without Anne!"
My son-in-law Bruce was the concluding speaker. He did an excellent job of exhorting all of us to honor Anne and pay tribute to her memory. He quoted from C.S. Lewis and Pres. Eyring and St. Matthew - and I will try to get the references for a later post. It was most instructive to me to focus on the idea that we honor someone whose life we admired by living those qualities ourselves.
When I was almost 8 - the age Annika is now - my best friend Barbara Britton died of a brain aneurysm. It was sudden and unexpected. My mother took me to the funeral at the Little Church of the Flowers at Forest Lawn. I recall feeling very sad and wanting to cry. But I was worried that I would be scolded for crying - most children often hear, "Stop crying right now" and I was no exception. After the service, Barbara's mother requested that I come over to the limousine where she was sitting. She thanked me for coming and gave me a hug. I vividly recall how much I wanted to weep - but didn't.
In later years, I spoke to my mother about the experience. She was a little aghast. "Oh dear. I just thought you didn't understand!" I'm certainly grateful that we are more open and accommodating with children now.
Much food for thought for me these past days - in fact this past year - hopefully the lessons will stay fresh in my mind.
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