I remember as a young mother - and even as a middle-aged mother - how I would plan the days so that I had time to myself. Most days it worked out pretty well. Some days everything went wrong.
But today, the stars were all lined up just right - Henry was at Cub Day Camp, Calvin was invited by the neighbors to go to the lake.
Agnes, who can sometimes "resist" her nap, fell asleep right after lunch. On the couch yes, but asleep, so who's complaining??
Baby Sully dozed off too - and so I sent Phoebe downstairs to take a nap. And I laid on the other couch and read!!
This is an old photo of me in 1977 when I was pregnant with Phoebe. I was 32 years old, and certainly I never imagined being 65 and having 14 grandchildren.
And here I am, 33 years later, spending my days and nights mothering Phoebe and grandmothering the others!
I love being a grandmother. It's much more satisfying and rewarding than I ever imagined it could be. I love my own children, and I enjoy being a mother. But somehow being a grandmother just pulls it all together and makes it all fit nicely.
As the numbers grew, I began to worry about the fact that I see some of my grandkids much more often than I do the others. I try to send cards, little gifts, letters. We have done some Skyping - but I think the adults enjoy that more than the kids do.
But two weeks ago, while we were at Matt and Eliza's, I noticed that Theo and Ida took to us quite readily. Eliza does try to keep pictures of us in front of them, talks about us, and generally does a good job of keeping us in the picture.
But I think what's at work is a cumulative effect. In other words, if you try to make the minutes count, they will. If you do your best to connect with the children, talk to them, play with them, spend time with them, it will register with them. Most importantly though, I believe it stays with them. And then the next time you come, you can start literally building the relationship from where you left off.
As I sat a dinner tonight and last night with Henry, Calvin, and Agnes, we were all very comfortable. The last time we were together was April, and before that it had been Christmas, but the transition seemed almost seamless.
Calvin did say, the morning after I arrived, "I wish your husband could have come." But I'm pretty sure that he knows my husband is his grandfather!!
I'm here at Phoebe's with access only to her photos - but it's the thought that counts!
When I was a little girl, I played with dolls all the time. I didn't have the latest dolls or accessories, but I dreamed of having them. I look at the variety and availability of doll gear today and wonder how I would have reacted to having such splendor!!
But we made do. I was third oldest of 12, so there was lots of real baby gear around for us to modify. We set up households and played in them.
I also tended younger siblings. I remember standing by my youngest brother's crib and rocking it gently so he'd go to sleep. That was often my assignment. And I babysat lots and lots.
I thought I knew what mothering meant and what it entails. When I had my first child, my mother kept saying, "Why do you seem so amazed by all this? You grew up with babies all around you?"
I did "catch on" eventually. And I got the external part of it wired. But I'm still having "ah ha" moments when I watch other women, mostly the young women I see in my daily life, doing or saying things that I wish I'd done or said with my children.
We went to visit Phoebe's new little boy tonight - he was born this afternoon, and I'm here with her other children for the next two weeks. And as I sat and held this sweet little person, I was thinking about my own children. I'm not sure I "cherished" their babyhood. I think I thought often about "moving along" and getting to a point where life was more organized and predictable.
With my last child though, I determined to enjoy his infancy. My husband would laugh when he'd hear me telling someone that I couldn't do something or help with something because I had a new baby. He'd say, "Noah is 9 months old Barbara." And I'd say, "He's the last baby I'll ever have. He's still new."
I sat and held him and read stories to him and took him for walks and played with him. I really focused on him as a baby. And he was a good baby. He loved to sit quietly in your lap and be read to. He loved to go with you.
The great irony here is that Noah is our wayward boy. Noah is sweet, loving, kind, and out of the loop with the rest of the family. He not only marches to the beat of his own drum, none of us are sure just what that drum beat is. And he's not making very good choices along the way.
I thought I'd erred by not giving my other children enough time. So, I gave the last one lots more time.
I guess it doesn't have everything to do with what you do as a mother. I guess it has more to do with who your children are.
I know all this. I've gone over and over it in my head, with my husband, with my other kids, with my friends.
When I see a sweet new baby though, it all comes back to me - and seems even more poignant.
Just some thoughts. I shouldn't be left alone so much!!
I have been reading up a storm it seems - but then someone will say, "So, what are you reading?" and my mind goes blank!!
A list:
Theo Boone: Kid Lawyer by John Grisham - I am an unabashed Grisham fan - this is his initial foray into the world of adolescent fiction. I'm not sure adolescents will like it though. But like all Grisham books, I find it a "page turner" but not always because it's gripping or scary - I just want to get the "rest of the story" as they say.
Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford - I loved this!! It's about WW II and the Japanese internment camps - but it's a love story - the best kind! Maybe not literature - but a great summer read.
The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein - can I just say this was wonderful reading!! It's a story of love and loss and victory - told by the dog!! (and it works!!)
The Inheritance of Loss by Kiran Desai - strange and Indian - but then most of the Indian books I read are - but it's compelling. And it paints very vivid word pictures.
Joe Hill by Wallace Stegner - I'm currently plowing through this, but it's not very compelling. Usually Stegner is - so I'm a little perplexed.
I'm re-reading Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton for my book group in September. I always like her books - even in the re-reading. Maybe it's a sign I've forgotten them from the first time!!
And I've read a plethora of forgettable adolescent novels this spring - mostly to see if I want to recommend them to my students - they are usually well-written as far as demonstrating competent prose, but they don't "speak to me" so much. One was about a girl with an autistic brother - it was pretty well done - but it almost seemed too politically correct, if you follow my drift.
I need to find something to take to Phoebe's - or maybe she will have something there - where's some good airplane fiction when you need it??
I had to be seriously persuaded to read this book. I had had it recommended to me by several people - but every time I read the brief synopsis, I was sure I wouldn't like it.
Then a friend brought it over to me and insisted I had to give it a try. She's a very persuasive woman, so I did. And at first, I put it down more than I picked it up.
But then I got hooked - and wasn't finished when we left for Oregon last week. We were driving - and I can't read while riding in a car. But that didn't stop me from picking it up every time we had to stop for anything!! And I stayed up at the first motel we stayed at - and finished it.
I think everyone has read it already - but if you haven't, be sure you do!!
Dad and I saw the previews to this film - and thought it looked like something we'd enjoy. So we put in on our NetFlix queue. The critics were divided - but we aren't - we thought it was very well done. The acting was superb, the characters were finely drawn, the story built slowly but effectively - and the ending worked - even though most of those who were negative objected to the ending.
If you enjoy foreign films, add this to your list.
For her birthday, Jan and I took Anna May to see South Pacific at the Ahmanson. (Anna May is the office manager where I teach - and Jan works in the office with her.)
It was a great performance!! I am very familiar with the music, but I'm pretty sure I never have seen the movie or the musical.
But during my freshman year in college, our ward did some numbers from it for a roadshow!!
I loved it - very high energy and some great songs.
It was a quiet day in Monrovia - Harry had to go to work at 4:30, so we ate at 4, and he joined us briefly. Greg had gone to the High Sierras - but got back a couple of hours after we'd started, but he joined us because there was plenty of food!! (Dawn did babyback ribs, corn on the cob, baked potatoes, and Symphony Bar Brownies for dessert. Greg contributed some great sourdough from Lone Pine. I brought fruit!! It was a tasty meal.)
Miss Isla rolls all over the floor and generally is very charming.
Eve did a little "walking like an Egyptian" for us.
Porter went outside and got wet - and seemed to be enjoying it immensely! (Dad rode his bike over to Harry and Dawn's - we are becoming regular cyclists around here!!) (Don't watch for me anywhere but on the bike trail though!)
Harry W. was a tad under the weather - but a good sport about it.
Dawn and kids made Father's Day t-shirts once again - always a big hit. Noah gave Dad a Coaster's CD - some good tunes. Dad is loving the apricot tree - unfortunately so are the deer. We are working on it.
Memorial Day began as a way to honor those who died in the Civil War, and it was originally called Decoration Day. Women, mothers and wives of those who had died, were appalled at the condition of the graves and cemeteries where the war dead had been laid to rest. So they went and pulled weeds, planted flowers, and painted the crosses that had been erected.
Over time, those who had died in other wars were honored also, and the day came to be called Memorial Day. For many years it was always noted on May 31st, but then was included in the Senate bill that put most holidays on a Monday.
I remember it that way, so whenever it falls on the 31st now, I am reminded of days gone by. I especially remember one year when Memorial Day was a Thursday. I went to the beach and got burned!! I had been working in an office since I had graduated from high school in January, so I had forgotten that my previous imperviousness to the sun had come about gradually - while out of doors at school.
The burn was bad enough that I felt sick - but if I didn't go to work on Friday, I wouldn't get paid for Thursday!! It was a miserable day, to say the least!!
A quote from John F. Kennedy seems apropos here, "A nation reveals itself not only by the men it produced, but also by the men it honors, the men it remembers."
This is my 60th birthday. Just exactly where did 5 years go??
And this was my 22nd birthday. I don't even want to ask where 43 years have gone!!
This was 1979 - I was 34 years old. Close to Phoebe's age. It seems strange when I compare it to my kids.
Rose Ann and I share a birth date and a birth year. This was our 23rd birthday. That's how old Noah is!!
There is not a birthday photo extant of any of my childhood birthdays. They were not an extremely big deal - at least when I was growing up. My friends had parties and I always got invited. But I only ever had one birthday party - on my 8th birthday. It was somewhat bittersweet, however, because it was the year my best friend died - in March of that year - and her mother came to the party and brought me a gift - days of the week underwear - something I had truly coveted. Maybe Barbara's mom knew that and that's why she brought them. (My friend was named Barbara also - when we were littler than 8, we both were sure we were related because we had the same name!! We also used to sit in the hammock and speak gibberish and think we were speaking Spanish!)
The big deal when I was a kid was the fact that you didn't have to do your chores, you got your hair curled in the middle of the week - if your birthday occurred in the middle of the week that is - and you got to choose the menu for dinner. It wasn't much, I guess, but it always made me happy. In later years, my mom would often make me a dress for my birthday. One year I was a bit upset because I had to use up my birthday dress requisition on a prom dress!! (I wasn't keen on the boy who asked me and wanted to go camping with my friends instead!!)
I have had memorable birthdays - I'm sure - I would tell you about them if I could remember the details!!
One year Dad had everyone send me birthday cards - I got almost 60 that year - I think he did it for my 60th birthday. In college my friends and Alice did a surprise birthday party for me. One year Dad took me on a day trip - we took Hannah along since she was baby - and we went to Palm Springs - rode the tram. I turned 21 in Paris and my friends all gave me goofy gifts.
I can't complain about birthdays - as President McKay used to say, "Birthdays are better than the alternative!"
Dawn's birthday was last Thursday - but it was a Relief Society Dinner and Activity in our ward - and Dawn is the new Relief Society Activities Co-ordinator. The night before had been Noah's birthday - and Dawn was working. Friday night was Father and Sons - Harry took off work for that, but then he had to work Saturday night. Sunday I had my Stake Young Women Transition to Relief Society event - and then Dad and I drove Ara home. So I was beginning to think we'd never be able to give Dawn a proper celebration, since they were planning to take the kids to a Dodger game tonight - and I have my book group tomorrow night - you get the picture!!
But the gray, drizzly weather caused them to re-think going to Chavez Ravine, so they took us up on our offer to tend the kids while Harry took Dawn out. I thought they'd go out to dinner, but Harry said, "We can always go out to dinner, but we can't always watch a movie in peace," so they went to the show - I think they saw Ironman 2.
Dad was sort of into the Laker's game, so I suggested he have Miss Isla join him while I engaged the other kids in a rousing game of Slap Jack. Then I got the great idea to settle them into the guest room with my portable DVD player.
So we lined up pillows and wedges against the wall, put on our jammies, snuggled up in blankets, and watched Angels in the Outfield, which they found funny at times - and at other times they would say, "Is it going to be funny again now?" (They were mostly in love with the slapstick and broad humor - which is what makes it such a great kids' movie I think.)
When Harry and Dawn got back, we surprised Dawn with a tray full of cupcakes with lit candles - which the kids dutifully and somewhat precipitously extinguished for her!!
After rifling through the Grandma's Treasure Box, they all headed for home - with the unfinished DVD safely in their possession.
Dad and I lived away from our families for 12 years. We usually came down to California once a year. I didn't especially feel that we were deprived, but having the experience of family living close by has shown me just why those women in Centerville would lament so loudly when their kids married and moved away.
Fortunately for us, technology and improvements in travel allow us to see our kids and grandkids fairly often. And we can keep up on just what life is like via blogs and email and Skype, so we still feel a part of things. But there is something about being close by.
Tonight was a pretty good example of that something.
(I think I need to get my reservations for the summer visits to Oregon and Virginia that I am so looking forward to!)
Everyone has heard the story about Mother's Day 1971 - when I was somewhat saddened by the fact that Bonny didn't give me anything for Mother's Day!! (Bonny was 7 months old!!)
When I queried Dad, his response was, "Well, you aren't my mother." Over the years, this story has taken on a little of the quality of "outraged" myth. Let me set the record straight - in case there are some concerns. Dad is not ungenerous or unthoughtful. He does, however, have his very own way of looking at things. And his way of looking at things is that gifts are given by individuals who want to give those gifts. I'm not sure how things worked out when he was a kid, but I suspect that his dad didn't take him shopping or give Helen gifts signed "love Harry Jr." Probably as soon as he was able to do something about it himself, he gave gifts to his mom on Mother's Day. (And certainly over the years he has given me a lot of lovely gifts for many different occasions.)
This approach to life is a constant with him. When our kids were old enough for sports and Scouts, his approach was, "Well, if he really wants to do it, he'll make sure it happens. And if he doesn't make it happen, he probably doesn't want to really do it." I, on the other hand, came from a family where you were sometimes compelled to do things like Scouting. And I'm not sure being "compelled" is all bad either. I'm pretty sure that neither Harry nor Noah would have gotten their Eagle Scout rank without my urging. And frankly, I enjoyed working with them on the goal. I'm not sure there were too many other activities that were so far-reaching that I could have done with them.
But Dad is also a quick learner. On Mother's Day of 1972, Bonny "gave" me my first Henckel knife - one I still have and use all the time. And the next year, in 1973, Bonny and Harry Francis "gave" me my treasured copy of Mastering the Art of French Cooking.
So on this Mother's Day 2010, let me say that I wouldn't be a mother without Dad. Or without our great kids. The gifts and cards and calls over the years are treasured memories. But the best gift of all has been your well-lived lives. (Even if some of you don't wear your retainers anymore!!)
And Dad gave me a Mother's Day bouquet today - one he'd ordered ahead of time from Margit Holokai.
My mom with her first four kids - maybe this is late 1947 or early 1948.
I was shopping for Mother's Day gifts tonight. I saw a pregnant girl - I swear she was 15 if she was a day. And she was running around the store with her girlfriends - but she was holding her back like it hurt. She was wearing a very fitted tank top.
Then I saw a cute top on the sale rack. Almost bought it. Then I noticed the tag - it was a maternity top! I'm pretty sure no one would have come up to me and said, "Why are you wearing a maternity top?" But if they'd seen it as a maternity top in a store or on some pregnant lady, they would have known it was a maternity top.
Driving home, I thought about my mom. I remember her standing in her slip and ironing her one of two maternity outfits. She usually had two - a really nice one and a pretty nice one. And they were two-piece. And the skirts had a cut out for your expanding belly and loops and laces to tie it up so it stayed up. And the top was a very tentish kind of top. And she was usually getting ready to go to her doctor appointment - in Glendale! And the outfit I most remember was a lovely salmon shade. And I'm also sure she made them herself.
During my first pregnancy, I had a couple of dresses and tops that were tentish too. After that, the fabrics weren't clingy, but they did drape rather than stand out like a tent. I do recall with Noah that I had a stretchy skirt and a stretchy top - so I've pretty much spanned the gamut of maternity fashions. For what that's worth.
I mostly thought about how I, and most of the women I know, have lots of clothes. Way more than we need. And 40 years ago, I recall having one dress - well, it was one dress that fit - until I lost the baby weight - when I could wear the other few dresses I had. But mostly we didn't have the volume of clothing that most of us have now.
I keep trying to pare things down. I have a rule that if I buy something new, I get rid of two things. But that just sort of seems to keep things steady, not smaller. I've never gotten rid of something and then regretted it. Maybe down the road I remember it and think maybe it would happen to come in handy that day, but I don't feel very bad about it. Still, it seems hard to get rid of the excess - and it truly is excess - I acknowledge that!
I'm not sure what all this means. Maybe you are trying to pare down too. Maybe you can share your secrets with me. I mostly thinks it's a paradigm shift - one that I haven't really made yet.
But I'm trying.
And I was thinking that my mom has 12 children - and we don't have a single photograph of her pregnant!
I had 9 phone calls today between 8 and 11 a.m. And about 5 people came to my room needing something from me. To say it was disruptive to my classes is putting it mildly. Every one of the callers "needed" something from me too. But they could have left voicemails instead. I'm good about answering those. And answering emails too.
What I feel bad about though, is that I pretty much ended up taking my frustration out on the kids. One of the young ladies in one of my classes has ditched one too many times and got sent to the alternative program. I feel bad about that, and it happened today, so my students were on edge about it. They may tease and pick on one another, but when the chips are down, as they say, they are fiercely loyal. I'm afraid I wasn't really "there" for them.
I'm going bed now - I usually end up staying up too late most of the time - which I'm sure makes it harder for me to deal with 9 phone calls and 5 drive-bys - and I'm going to ponder on a plan for dealing with whatever tomorrow brings.
Besides, I have to get there early to run off the tests I didn't finish doing today - on account of all the interruptions!!
I could be out of touch. But I don't think so. I teach middle school, and I am around 10, 11, 12, 13, and 14 year olds. We even have an occasional 15-year old. And things have truly changed. I have observed that myself. My first child started school in 1975 - and my last child graduated in 2005. That's a fairly long stint.
I have been teaching since 1996. When I started teaching, I didn't even have a cell phone. People had them - I just didn't. I don't even remember when I got one. I pretty much got Harry's old one whenever he got a new one.
Then having a cell phone started seeming to be essential. However, I'm not totally sure that they are. They are convenient. But sometimes they are too convenient. Sometimes it's nice to not be able to be contacted.
But I digress. My problem with cell phones is the number of middle school students who use and abuse them. And today, my run- in with the ubiquitous cell phone was especially problematic.
A middle school student at our school doesn't need his phone during the school day. In an emergency, the parents would have to contact the school - you can't just call your child and tell him or her to come out to the front so you can pick them up!! Now I remember times when I was truly annoyed that I had to unload a baby and go into the school to get my child for an orthodontist appointment. But schools simply can't let a child go without an adult - one whose name is on the approved list - coming in and signing them out. Think about it for a minute - the ramifications are enormous.
But parents get annoyed when they can't just do that. And some of them rant at us about it too - even after you point out the obvious.
And parents really ought not to be able to field calls from their children asking them to go pick up a pizza and bring it to the school for their lunch - maybe even to share with their friends.
But parents do that all the time. One boy bragged that every day since 4th grade his mother had brought him the fast food lunch of his choice!! (I would like to add that that same boy didn't do well in school - often didn't do homework or finish projects. So much so that he didn't get to walk across the stage at promotion. He was truly devastated by the turn of events. I ask, "Why wasn't Mom monitoring his school work as carefully as she monitored his lunch requests?")
The rule is: "Students may have cell phones at school if they have their parents' permission. Cell phones must be out of sight in the backpack and turned off during school hours." First infraction: phone can only be retrieved by the parent. Second infraction: phone is kept for 30 days. Third infraction: phone is kept until the last day of school in June.
No student is allowed to register for school without signing an affidavit that they have read and understood the rule. Parents have to sign the affidavit too.
I have confiscated a number of phones in recent days. One rang during class. One girl was texting her friend in the row ahead. One boy was just admiring his phone I guess. One boy was calling his dad to come get him. And every one of those kids was annoyed with me!
Annoyance isn't the biggest danger though. Our principal has confiscated phones and found that the person on the other end of the call was an adult male the girl didn't know except via her phone! Needless to say the unknown male immediately hung up when the principal announced herself!
Students text to cheat on tests. Students text to gossip about other kids. Students text to spread rumors. Students text to avoid doing their work. There is no good reason to do this during the school day. And you can't be selective how who can and who can't - everyone just has to follow the rules.
So imagine my chagrin when I got an irate voicemail from the mother of the girl whose phone I confiscated today! She told me I should take the time to talk to the child and find out why they had their phone out. I called her back and I thought I was being matter-0f-fact and pleasant about how I thought perhaps she didn't understand the circumstances surrounding the event. And she hung up on me.
I wrote a letter that I think is pretty matter-of-fact. But I may not send it. I talked to the VP who handled giving the phone back. He said he was very clear in explaining the situation to the mother. She told him she thought teachers should have the courtesy to ask the student why their phone was out. He told her that wasn't how the rule worked. So maybe she is not someone who would listen to reason.
I will call the young lady in though, and have a little discussion with her. She needs to understand that she may have snowed her mother, but she hasn't snowed anyone on the staff.
And I'm determined to catch her buddy she was texting - she is pretty cagey, but I'm a little cagier I think.
I'll report back!
Meanwhile - if you are the parent of a student with a cell phone, regardless of what the rules are at your school, will you assess carefully whether your child really needs to be able to call and text at will during the school day? And maybe encourage them to demonstrate cell phone courtesy and all it implies?
As with most new technology for communicating, advances often just mean new ways to be rude and inconsiderate. Just sit in any meeting or public gathering and see how often they have to ask you to turn off your phones so as not to bother others.
There's not a photo to go with this, but I wanted to share our recent experience with an "infestation."
We get these periodically. It always starts out the same: we notice a bug here and there. Sometimes it's a flying bug. Sometimes it's a little bug you think is dead until you touch it and it moves. And they are very tiny - maybe the size of a pencil tip.
This time it started on the kitchen windowsills, so I assumed it was something coming in from outside. Then we saw them on the counters. On the stove. In the bathroom. Not tons of them - never more than 3 or 4 at time. But you got rid of them - and some more came back.
The last time this happened was after Harry and Dawn left from staying here when they remodeled their house. It was a swarming of tiny moth-like creatures. We found that they were multiplying in some doggy treats Harry had bought for the dogs. They left some of them here for when the dogs were here. And when I opened up the package they were in, there was a whole community of them - it was disgusting and fascinating at the same time.
So Thursday night I was thinking that I needed to start looking in containers - and sure enough, they were in some pancake mix in the cupboard over the stove. And they were in a box of graham cracker crumbs. Both of these containers were opened, so I wasn't surprised. But then I found an unopened box of instant mashed potatoes in the room formerly known as the laundry room - and it wasn't opened. They had drilled through the cardboard!! And there was a whole universe of those little critters in there!!
Needless to say we did a thorough search and had to throw out some large quantities of food. They had not gotten into any flour though - but just to be safe, I've put the flour in the fridge.
I even found one inside the cap for the bottle of mouthwash in the bathroom!
I can certainly see why the plagues were so odious to the Egyptians - and why we think of them as punishments!!
I think there's a moral here - or an object lesson - but for now I'm keeping an eagle eye out for any stragglers!
But today, the stars were all lined up just right - Henry was at Cub Day Camp, Calvin was invited by the neighbors to go to the lake.
